Happy Tuesday and Day 5 of Another 100 Days of Hannah, y’all!
Question of the morning: Do I have time to blog and still make it out the door by 7:30?
I guess there’s only one way to find out!
As I was thinking about starting this post this morning, my mind wandered to the ideas of schedules.
Are y’all schedule people?
From the outside, I would venture to say that I look like a “fly by the seat of your pants” kind of person. Or, at least I hope so. That’s the appearance I like to portray, and, well, sometimes it’s an accurate depiction of me.
But, sometimes, I feel like the complete opposite.
As I’ve mentioned repeatedly in my blogs, my mornings are somewhat sacred to me.
As is my exercise.
And my sleep.
And my diet.
And so, I can tend to become very regimented with my scheduling. So much so that when I started my new job, I literally worked on my morning routine for two weeks, trying to perfect it to the minute for everything that I hoped to accomplish in the morning.
The simplest answer is this: because I was afraid – afraid of being out of control.
Fun fact that I’ve never disclosed before – mainly because it’s a new diagnosis and I wasn’t sure of the relevance: I’m (apparently) OCD.
Most days, I like to deny this fact. I like to point to how “easy-going” I can be, proving that I can’t be obsessive or compulsive, or arguing that, by definition, my thoughts and behaviors have to cause significant stress in my life, and they don’t.
My family, however, daily points out that, as great as this sounds, it’s really not the case.
Which can probably be confirmed by the fact that I’m running in place (again) as I’m writing this post.
(Yes, it’s still before 7 in the morning. Yes, I already ran/walked a mile and did yoga. Yes, I’m planning to workout again after I get home from work. No, this is not a problem.)
Wow, that was a bit of a tangent.
But, to tie it all in, for me, all my OCD behaviors fall back to fears, and at the root?
You guessed it, the fear of being out of control.
My incessant exercise?
It’s a fear of weight gain.
My strict diet?
It’s a fear of feeling sick, or like passing out, or being uncomfortable.
My morning and evening schedules?
They’re a fear of not having enough time.
And my sometimes ridiculously early bedtime?
It’s a fear of waking up tired in the morning and being able to function properly for my job.
And while I’d love to justify these fears, at the end of the day, I’m reminded of 1 John 4:18 that reminds us:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
When I am afraid, and striving to be in control of every aspect of my life, it is a blatant lack of trust in the goodness, grace, and love of the Father.
It’s believing that I know better than He does.
It’s wanting to be god of my life, rather than surrendering and letting Him be in control.
It’s doubting that He genuinely cares about me enough to work all things together for my good.
But as He reminds me through His word of His promises – to never leave or to forsake, to work all things together for good, of plans to give hope and a future, of an unconditional, unrelenting love that went the length of the cross to know me – I am drawn from my controlling schedule and to His face.
I’ll be honest.
Letting go of my control is hard.
It’s something that I struggle with most moments of most days – especially when I’m tired or stressed.
But it’s worth it.
Will you find rest with me today?
Disclaimer: This post is not meant to dissuade from having schedules. When used right, schedules are beautiful. I hope only to encourage you to hold your schedule loosely, releasing your tight control of each day to the one who holds your every moment.
PS: I’ve decided to include a link to the corresponding day’s post from my 100 Days of Hannah blog for your enjoyment. Click the link to read more!
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