Day 13: Wednesday Thoughts

Happy Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday, y’all!
First things first:
Obviously, I have no idea what day it is today.  After a skewed 4 day weekend, so that I had Monday and Tuesday off, today 100% felt like a Monday.
On a Wednesday.
That may as well have been a Thursday?
That I wish was a Friday.
Annnd that just about sums up my day.
Today was a long drive day (hence the late blogging), which meant ~4 hours of driving, in addition to 4.5ish hours of patient care and ~1 hour of charting.
Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t too bad.
Actually, it’s probably pretty good.
(Okay, fine.  It’s really good.  I’m just tired.)
Unfortunately, days at the facility where I was today just always seem to run slow.
The number of patients that I could normally see in 2-3 hours somehow takes 4+, and it’s easy to leave frustrated that I haven’t accomplished more.
 
As a young doc, I’ll admit, sometimes I really struggle with knowing how to do this whole doctor thing best.  I feel like I should be able to see 20+ patients on my own in the same 4 hours like some of the other docs with the company can, and it’s easy to be discouraged when I can’t.

But, how can you see 20 patients, as the tech, scribe, doctor, and optician all wrapped into one, while still giving each patient the care and the time that they deserve?  How can you answer all their medical questions, help them choose the best pair of glasses, and make them feel heard, seen, and valued in the… what, 12 minutes that that would be spending time with each of them?  I just don’t understand.

 
And while I long to be an efficient and effective doctor, I simply don’t know how to balance that with being a compassionate doctor for those who, especially in COVID times, are so utterly… alone.
 
So, I guess, for tonight I’m torn.
I’m torn between efficiency and compassion.
I’m torn between longing for more hours in the day, and freely giving my time to those who have nothing to offer me.
I’m torn between wanting to meet the perceived expectations of the higher-ups at my company, and wanting to follow my heart.
At the end of the day, I think I know which one will win.
I think I know which one must win.
As Christians, we are called to lay down our lives for the sake of others.
We are called to lives of humility.
We are called to yield freely and fully to the hand of our Creator and Redeemer – even, and especially, when it’s hard.
 
God, give me strength.
 
‘Til tomorrow,
 
Hannah
 
 
Want to read more?  Here’s a link to my Day 13 post from 100 Days of Hannah.  Click the link to check it out!
 
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