Day 20: Messy

Happy…Wednesday?  and day 20 of Another 100 Days of Hannah, y’all!
First things first: COVID Vaccine update!
I received my second dose of the vaccine yesterday (Pfizer).  Admittedly, I was a bit nervous – I’d heard that people were more likely to have side effects after round two. The process went smoothly (actually, more smoothly than the first dose), and I actually got out of the center before I was supposed to have even been scheduled to receive the vaccine!
Last evening, I had some random aches and pains – though, that’s pretty typical for me.  There’s always a question of: is this from my workout? Or is this from something else?  Normally, it’s workout related.  Last nights proved to be the same.
This morning, overall I feel good. I may be slightly more tired than some mornings, but I’ve also been keeping busier in the evenings, going to bed later, and waking up earlier… so, I think it evens out.
The only real side effect I’ve noticed?  My (left) arm hurts.  Like, a lot.  Moving it much above it’s normal resting position is hard, and putting my arm above my head feels miserable.
But, hey.  If that’s as bad as it gets, I definitely can’t complain.
Okay, now onto actual blogging.
For those of you who don’t know me, I grew up in a household with a close loved one (actually, several loved ones) who struggled with mental illness.  And though I was blessed to have, as a whole, an incredible life growing up, that doesn’t mean that I was unaffected by this environment.
It’s hard, especially as a young child, watching and processing someone close to you visibly struggling, and sometimes succumbing to, their inner demons.
And so, I learned my role in life from a young age.
I was the helper.
I was the fixer.
I was the uncomplicated, easy-going kid.
I was the unemotional one.
I wasn’t supposed to be messy.
And so, I took on this role whole-heartedly.
I learned to hide my emotions.
I learned to ignore my wants.
I learned to silence my voice.
I learned to cover anything messy.
Because maybe, just maybe, that would make life easier for my loved ones.
Maybe they could manage if they didn’t have to deal with the mess of me.
Unfortunately, however, as much as I tried to hide my messy, it never really went away.
But life had told me that my messy was a burden, and so, every time it started to show, I removed myself from the situation and neatly tucked it back away into a private corner of my life where it couldn’t affect anyone else.
Anyone else been there?
Recently, my messy has been coming out a lot more often.
Maybe it’s from stress.
Maybe it’s from finally beginning to peer inside and work through all of the parts of me I’ve kept silent for so long.
Maybe it’s just a messier time of life.
I don’t know.
After so many years of learning that my messy is a burden, though, it’s hard to view it as anything else.
It’s hard to let people in.
It’s hard to let me out.
It’s hard to keep from running my messy back to it’s shelf in the dark corner of my life.
As I begin to run again, however, I’m reminded of the Father’s love for me.
I’m reminded that He sees me, and knows me – messy and all.
I’m reminded that He doesn’t run from my messy.
No, He ran to my messy, from a stable, to the cross, so many years ago.
And He runs to your messy too.
‘Til tomorrow,
Want to read more?  Here’s a link to my Day 20 post from 100 Days of Hannah.  Click the link to check it out!
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