(And Day 22 of Another 100 Days of Hannah).
And with that, we’re off.
First things first: I have a headache this morning. It’s not terrible, but bad enough to detract from my normal morning motivation. Thankfully though, I don’t have to work today, so I’ve been able to take it a little easier. (Which really means that I’m doing all the same things that I normally do, just taking longer to do them, while wondering if I have COVID, if this is a side effect of the vaccine, if I’m dehydrated, or if my shoulders and neck are just tight from lifting.)
But that really has nothing to do with anything that I’m going to talk about today, so we can move on.
How many of y’all have a hard time showing up in life?
For me, showing up is really hard.
It’s not necessarily the act of being physically present that I struggle with – though, that can be difficult too.
It’s more being mentally and emotionally present at all times and for all people in my life.
As I’ve mentioned several times before (understatement), I don’t deal well with emotions – be they mine or others.
I feel uncomfortable being emotional around… essentially everyone.
I don’t particularly like being consoled, but I also don’t want my feelings to be discarded.
As I’m generally avoidant of physical contact, I don’t enjoy when people force hugs or reach out with a “comforting touch” without asking me first.
I hate the feeling of being illogical and out of control that so often accompanies emotional states.
And, frankly, I don’t relish the amount of vulnerability that emotional expression promotes.
When it comes to dealing with the emotions of others, I’m just as uncomfortable.
I don’t know how to comfort.
I don’t know when to speak and when to be silent.
I often want to fix the problem, but find that that is rarely helpful.
And so, in both scenarios, I pull back.
I choose not to show up.
At least emotionally in person.
Through the years, I’ve found that it’s significantly simpler for me to show up in word.
Which is why I love writing and sending heartfelt letters to loved ones.
Which is why I find it easier to text my friends and family than to carry on the same conversations in person.
Which is why I enjoy blogging – creating a community where I’m able to share my thoughts and feelings freely without the discomfort of in-person emotional expression.
But you know what?
As much as I’d like to pretend otherwise, this expression, as true and meaningful as it is, still isn’t showing up.
It’s still running from the discomfort.
It’s still hiding – behind pen and paper, keyboard and screen.
It’s still loving from a distance.
But y’all, loving from a distance?
That’s not love.
The love that we are called to is the same love that Christ showed to us.
It’s a love that dives into the messy.
It’s a love that sticks through the hard.
It’s a love that runs to, not from, the hurting.
It’s a love that gives all – comfort, safety, image, even life – for the sake of another.
Not that this realization makes it any easier for me.
No, I still, literally, want to run away from hard conversations and conflict.
I still would love for no one to ever see me emotional again.
I still would prefer to never be in a situation where I’m supposed to comfort someone ever again.
But more than these, I want to learn to live a life of love.
Not to simply love in word and in talk, but to love in deed and in truth.
Who’s with me?
Want to read more? Here’s a link to my Day 22 post from 100 Days of Hannah. Click the link to check it out!
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