Day 37: I Shall Not Want

Happy Saturday and Day 37 of Another 100 Days of Hannah, y’all!

Admittedly, I don’t really know how to write about what’s been on my heart and mind this morning, but I guess I’ll try anyway.  Pardon me in advance for my fumbling words and scattered thoughts. 
I don’t like to feel things.
Which, isn’t all that much of a revelation – I talk about difficulties in expressing emotions all the time.
But, as I process my thoughts and feelings more, I’m beginning that I don’t like to feel strong emotions.
All the things that make me feel out of control.
Or, more, the things that highlight my very real lack of control.
And so, I do my best to numb out and not feel any of these things.
I run away from scenarios and situations where I’ll be forced to feel uncomfortable, uncontrolled emotions.
Sometimes literally.
Like when I actively avoid interactions with people that my anger has exploded at before.
Sometimes figuratively.
Like when I distract myself with books and movies and mindless scrolling and eating so that maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop feeling what I don’t want to feel.
This week has been a pretty good week for that – avoiding, distracting.
Working through longstanding thoughts and feelings with my therapist (yes, I started therapy – I finally decided that it’s time to work through the things that I’ve always just ignored) has brought up uncomfortable situations that often leave me with a nagging feeling of discomfort that I struggle to shake.  And, after 27 years of practice numbing, it’s still much easier to run back to old habits than to sit in the discomfort and allow myself to feel.
This morning, as I once again longed to find numbness, I was reminded of the song I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad.  I know I linked the youtube version of the song here, but I wanted to share some of the lyrics that spoke to me this morning as I listened to the song on repeat.

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God
From the need to be understood
And from a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want


I am often tempted by the love of my own comfort.
I run from the fear of loss.
I frequently long to be understood and accepted.
But, at the end of the day, none of these bring peace.
Rather, it is when I, when we, taste the goodness of God, when we are in communion with Him, that we find rest.
That our longing ceases.
That we discover peace.
That we may truly say – ‘I shall not want.’
‘Til tomorrow,
Want to read more?  Here’s a link to my Day 37 post from 100 Days of Hannah.  Click the link to check it out!
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