Day 132: Guilty.

Happy Wednesday and Day 132 of Another 100 Days of Hannah …and Counting, y’all!

Guys, this week, I have been feeling very… incapable.
I guess it started on Sunday with playing organ, where, everything just felt like it went wrong.  I made crazy, weird mistakes that I’d never made before on the music.  And, honestly, it felt like I just couldn’t trust myself.
And that feeling’s continued most of this week.
Generally, I feel like I do a great job caring for my patients.  That I try to see them and do the absolute best that I can for them.  But, this week, it’s felt like I don’t care enough about my patients.  That I’m not putting in enough effort.  That I’m not doing a good enough job.
That feeling was definitely compounded last night after I got a text from my employer: There’s a patient who broke their glasses at x facility. The facility doesn’t think they can wait until your next travel week.  Can you go see them after work one of the next two days?
The catch is that that facility is over an hour drive, each direction, away from my other facilities this week.  And in a different time zone.  And I’d be expected to go there, unload all of my things, set up shop, see one patient, tear things down, and drive back home – an over 3 hour ordeal – after seeing the 14-15 patients that were normally scheduled for my day.
Long-story short, I said no.
Well, not a complete no.  I gave other options on how to get the patient glasses, explained the time constraints, and offered to go there if I’m done by noon today or tomorrow.  Which is pretty much impossible.
And.. I feel terrible about it.
Because it’s not the patient’s fault that she’s in a nursing home.  It’s not her fault that the nursing home is so far away. It’s not her fault that she can’t see without her glasses.
And I genuinely care about her. And the fact that she can’t see.
But, on the flip side, I’ve been tired enough that I need to come home and rest after getting off of my normal day of work. Most of the time it’s gotten to the point where I need a nap before I feel safe enough to make long drives.
And, as my therapist frequently reminds me, it’s not my fault that the company doesn’t have enough doctors.  It’s not my job to make up for all of the lack of care that has taken place over the last year.  Or to travel to facilities that are outside of my agreed upon zone.
Even so, I feel guilty.  Like I’m not doing enough.  Like I can never do enough. And it makes me doubt my dream of starting my own practice as well.
It makes me wonder if I’ll be able to effectively care for my patients in that setting, or if I’ll come home at the end of the day and still feel as if I have failed.
Woah. That was a downer of a post for a Wednesday morning.
But, I promised authenticity, so, I guess there’s no going back now.
Catch y’all tomorrow,

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