Day 200: Isolation

Happy Monday and Day 200 of Another 100 Days of Hannah ...and Counting, y'all!

Whoop – 200 days down, 165 left to go. Well, if I want to make this a whole year of Hannah anyway.

First off, my apologies for the low quality content that I’ve been putting out here lately. Some days, I honestly don’t know if these random assortments of words are even worth being labeled as ‘posts’. At this point, more than anything, a year of contiguous (I think that word will work here) blogging is simply to see if I can. Maybe next year we’ll work on the content quality bit.

In any case, this past weekend, I realized I’ve been isolating… again.
Call it introversion, or escaping, or getting stuck in my head – whatever you want – the reality is that, once again, I find myself pushing away from people.

It always starts innocently enough: I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m busy. I just need some time away. Slowly, but surely though, it turns into mild avoidance, and, eventually, full-scale isolation.

As my therapist reminded me today, it’s not an exactly healthy behavior.

Unfortunately, for me, isolation doesn’t really look that much different than regular life. More often than not, I’m not hiding out on my own – I’m in the same places and with the same people that I always am. I’m just not as present. My heart isn’t with it. Part of me is holding back, hiding out – hidden in plain sight.

That part? Yeah, it’s the vulnerable bits. They’re the first pieces to give up when the going gets tough. They’re the first parts to lash out when they’re poked and prodded. They’re the first bits to run away at the first hint of danger.

I would love to say that realizing this makes me want out of my self-imposed isolation, but it doesn’t. It feels safe here, though I cannot name the danger that lies without. And so, for tonight, I will stay.

Catch y’all tomorrow,